Women lies

So. Women are incredibly complicated. The boobs and all those labia and fantastic indoor plumbing were all created by these horrific hormones that make us do wacky things. All of my male friends have, at one point or another, interacted with a woman in a manner so dense that I had to wonder if my friends were taking stupid pills. After a few years it occurred to me that men are not particularly stupid or slow, just different and unused to how incredibly complicated women can be. Now I'm not going to say anything a moronic and sexist as, "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" *gag* but the sexes are at least from totally different cultures. As someone who kinda gets both sides I get to be a girl interpreter. So here it is, Isobel's guide to girls, part one. Maybe I'll call this A Slut's Guide to NOT FUCKING UP WITH WOMEN.

Lesson number one: Ladies Lies or, "I want my boyfriend to always tell me the truth"

So chicks are always saying that they want you to be honest with them all the time. They don't. No one wants their partner to be honest with them all the time. The standard rule of coupledom applies here like everywhere else. Your partner wants her idealized version of you to be honest with her idealized version of herself. The idealized version of herself is generally the one that doesn't fart, weighs 10 lbs less, is sexually adventurous, and looks good in puce. The idealized version of you has eyes for no one but her, has never done anything sexually "weird" and never scratches your nuts and then touches her face (why do you DO that? It is so gross).

This next part is tough, because it sounds like I'm saying women are weak and we are really anything but. A good woman can be just as good and just as strong as a good man, we have different areas of strength, but we are strong. Here it is though, ego is not the strong point of any human being, ever, anywhere. Women can be particularly touchy when their egos are hit and women can also hold irrational grudges for absolutely ever! This is difficult where truth-telling comes in. No one is going to be on the light side of the force 100% of the time (even Jesus was a bastard once or twice, or a few times according to the Gnostics) and when you have to tell her that she's on the dark side of the force she's going to go Vader on you....and that's not going to be cool.

In other words, she says she wants you to be honest with her all of the time, but she doesn't really mean it and she probably knows it. For God's sake man, don't be "brutally honest" with her. This doesn't mean, however, that you should "sugar coat" the truth or tell her that she looks great in that outfit if she doesn't. I know, I know, "Isobel, what the fuck are you talking about?!" I'm saying that truth and telling the truth, like anything else humans have made up, is subjective and conditional.

No one is a mind reader, nor should anyone have to be so here are some situations I've made up as sort of guidelines for when to tell what version of the truth. Here's a warning though, this is a lot like those Maxim advice columns. Only douchebags take advice about women from a men's magazine totally seriously. People who write advice rarely know what they're talking about and you should read it, interpret it and then apply it selectively to your situation. In douchebagese: If you get caught lying to your hot girlfriend and she dumps your ass, don't tell her I told you to do it. If you fuck this one up, you're on your own Kemosabe.

1)"Is there spinach in my teeth?" or other things that are going to make her look stupid. Don't lie. You could lie, and you'd think you were saving her ego so you'd be inclined to lie, but don't do it. She'll find out later because someone else will notice and tell her. Then she'll be mad at you because she will have been walking around however long in the interim with her ass hanging out of her dress. This one applies to physical embarrassments like run pantyhose and emotional faux pas like your other girlfriend. If you are dating two women at once you don't have to tell them about each other if you're not serious but don't tell either one of them that she's the only one. First, this won't work if they have common friends. Second, she's going to feel like an idiot when all the people she's talked to about you know that she's misinformed and you'd better believe she'll take that out on you.

2)"Was she prettier than me?" or things that are going to make someone you were close to look better, faster, stronger than her. Lie. Please man, think of the children! Think about this one for a second. Do you want to know that her ex had a 8 inch cock and fucked her so good that she passed out a few times? No you do not. Likewise, she doesn't want to know that your ex had great boobs, could eat anything she wanted and not gain a pound or was a tiger in the sack.

Don't be an idiot about this one though. Girls can sense a placation and it's your own damn fault if you're outed for lying with a simple placation.

I dated a guy whose ex was a Japanese girl of supermodel proportions. I know this because I am a girl and we are dumb so I looked for her on myspace. See, we women are champion drama seekers. Once I found her I was convinced that I could never be as good as her and that my boyfriend would always somehow carry a torch for her. So of course I had to tell him I saw her online. I dug my toe around in the ground and did my best little pitiful girl (ah yes, the "I am so vulnerable" bait and switch) whimper.

"Baby...I saw pictures of her and...she's reeeeeeally pretty" Ah, I admitted she's pretty first, you may think that this is permission for you to acknowledge her prettiness. It isn't.

Boyfriend (who is so good at Girl) responded, "Her? You have no idea HOW photoshopped those photos are." Excellent job boyfriend! Imply that she's actually ugly, never pick out anything concrete b/c that shows you paid attention. I won't believe you no matter what though so I will counter with,

"But honey! She. She sounded so smart!"

He shrugged, "You could never prove it by me. She could act pretty damn stupid." Another excellent blow! Don't just give it a "no no baby, you're better" that's too easy. Partially acknowledge and then slam her in a similar, yet different way. I am a girl though, so I will still go for the clincher,

"Did...did you like her better than you like me?" (or possibly, "would you ever get back together with her?")

The boyfriend gave me a look like I was smoking stupid and this was a game he was tiring of. OOOOH, and boyfriend wins! Don't even dignify it with a response unless she really pushes it. Just let her know you know she's playing a stupid game. If she pushes it you COULD tell her the truth because at this point she fucking deserves it if the truth is "yes" but if you still want to have sex with her think of a good mild insult for the ex, "Did I like that nutcase better than I like you? No." If you're pretty sure she's not PMSing you could try your luck with something that a boyfriend told me once, "I liked the person I thought she was."

3)"Does this make me look fat" or something where you must critique her appearance. Oh you are so screwed. Dude, I'm so sorry. Rules for 1 apply here, if she looks really stupid and you say she looks good she's going to be pissed later when she gets the photos back. On the other hand, is Great Aunt Mabel really going to care that your girlfriend looks like a rodeo clown?

First, gauge body language. Is she puffing up her cheeks at her reflection? She thinks she looks fat. Is she shimmying towards you and smiling? She thinks she's sexy and playful. If you can judge how she's feeling from her body language, you stand a good chance of being able to figure this out. Go with her mood unless whatever you're going to say is right and better than what she's going to say.

If you suck at body language, defer her question whenever possible.

"Does this dress make me look washed out?"

"Gee honey, I always think you look beautiful. I don't know. Didn't you say your sister knows about that stuff? Why don't you ask her?"

At worst, you will be branded totally useless for garment critiques and she won't ask you anymore.

Unless you're tired of having a girlfriend the answer to, "Do these pants make my ass look fat?" is never, "No. Your fat ass makes your ass look fat." As funny as that was in National Lampoon or whatever it was, it is never the right answer.

Those are three basic lady lies and corresponding possible answers. I hope that's at least been interesting to read. Remember, if you use this advice and you get yourself in trouble it isn't my fault.