How to talk to my vagina

How to talk to my vagina. A recent event made me think over the terms for the vaginal area that I like and dislike. I'll get into that in a bit. Here are the terms for a woman's nether regions, ranked least favorite to most favorite.

I don't want to hear or say anything that makes it sound like it's wet or smelly or makes gross noises. Poontang makes it sound like it both has a taste and an unpleasant smell. Plus that kind of sounds like a rapper. I picture "Poontang the asian rapper" someone from a country that doesn't have "poontang" as a slang for snatch. He just heard it from someone's American cousin and thought it sounded cool. Similarly Punani is out. That's Poontang's female counterpart. Perhaps she's lead female vocals on his album, perhaps she simply takes care of his kids. That's right, soak that one in for a minute. Yeah, I said it. His Pu-nanny. Get it?! Oh I crack myself up.

...Cootchie and Pudenda hang out in Poontang's entourage. They are the annoying lame ones that the roadies don't like and the band manager counsels to shut up when press comes around.

Gash, "axe wound" and words similar to them piss me off because that makes me sound incomplete or injured. I have a gash, someone cut me, I hope that it heals. Well that's no good. "Gash of madness" (a la something positive the comic) is right out. Slit and slot sort of teeter on the edge here. I won't say either of them unless I'm trying to be vulgar or someone asks me if I take payment by credit card. "No, I'm sorry. I tried to run them up my slot but I just got bruises!"

Love Hole and baby maker are other disfavored terms. A hole is a large, cold place that is dark and dank. I will have none of that between my legs. Calling it a "love" hole or a baby maker implies that it's not for my pleasure but for the pleasure of the person "using" it or simply for production of offspring. Hearing these terms a lot makes me want to raise my hand and say, "Excuse me? The woman attached to these reproductive organs would like to claim them as her own again!"

"Cunt" is cool, but a little to vagina monologues for me. Plus, it sounds angry. It's a CUNT. It's slobbery and hairy and red and nasty and mean. Say cunt and I picture someone who is angry. An angry vagina monster....*shudders* now there's a terrifying concept. What would an angry vagina monster even do? It kind of sounds like some kind of encounter you'd have in Final Fantasy.

*Badly dubbed voice* Watch out Kenjiko! We're in cunt territory! *encounter music plays* *cut screen of this ugly, hairy, hot-dog-bun-on-crack looking thing coming out of a bush with a huge red tongueish thing coming out of the middle licking all around it and throwing huge drops of smelly slobber out. It's got teeth up the middle and it walks on those tiny little feet wind up teeth toys have.

I don't even want to know what the standard attacks of the cunt monster are.

Vagina bothers me because it's not even the right term. That's just a part of it, not the whole thing. Don't even think about calling it a "va-jay-jay" That's just stupid. Plus, it will make me think of the "Vajapocalypse" on the Soup http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aN9bqYhNLDs

It's not all bad though. There are a few terms that I just smile at. Using the word "sex" to describe it makes me think of old romance novels. "And his hand traveled slowly down to her sex, caressing the tufts of her downy mound and making her moisten in anticipation." It's old fashioned and clinical at the same time. We used the term "sex" to describe the genitals in animals and plants we dissected in college. Sex. A neutral term.

Pussy is okay because, well, everyone uses it. It's neutral and cute and there ARE some similarities between a cat and a cunt. Both are occasionally furry, both are soft and petting them makes women very happy. Pet mine and I purr *she says coquettishly*

...although there are great disparities between a wet cat and a wet pussy. Something to muse on.

The inspiration for this entire entry came from reading my friend Candy Poses' blog , Feminism without Clothes (http://candyposes.com/blog.html/) again.

I read a few pages back and remembered why I have just the hugest girl-crush ever on her. She used the word "snatch" in relating to her hairy crotch which is my favorite crotch word ever. The first time I ever heard someone use the slang was in high school. This really beautiful girl named Ester who I had somehow conned into being my best friend just casually tossed the word out.

I don't even remember what she was saying now, just something about "my snatch" but I do remember being absolutely floored. She threw the word out there with a wave of her hand and a casual toss of the head (okay probably not that, but it's how I remember it) and just kept on talking. Until that point it had been a rude word that I'd get slapped for saying at home. The way arty, beautiful chicks like Ester and Candy say it make it powerful, vulgar, sexy and special, much like they themselves are.

Snatch. The dictionary says that it means to seize something in a rude or eager way. In addition it can mean to quickly secure or obtain or to eagerly take or accept. Lastly, it can mean to hastily or ineffectually attempt to seize. I put that definition through the mental mix master and applied it to my nether regions. Eager to seize, eager to accept or to take, rude by definition but an attempt to seize it would be ineffectual. I like that word being used for the warm, wet space between my legs. It's a powerful word for powerful women. I think I'll keep it.