I was having a discussion with someone on twitter recently
about circumcision. I’m decidedly
anti-circumcision. Regardless of
your own personal feelings on it aesthetically and physically you must admit
that it’s a surgery practiced on infants. I
don’t think that we should give anyone elective surgeries before they’re able
to consent to them. If the kid
wants to cut his foreskin off later, let him decide. Let’s not get into that whole debate, though. I want to make a different point and
share some different information.
I shared with this person that though my own feelings are
different, attitudes in the United States seem to be pro-circumcision. I gave some common reasons I hear for
circumcision
“Only downsides to uncut is that you have to pay attention
to washing under it and it MAY make it easier to get SOME STIs”
I only had 140 characters so I left out the two other most
common reasons. Religious
tradition or, “so he’ll look like his father” (really? Do guys compare dicks
w/their dads so often that this is an issue?).
I don’t think that what I said was that offensive. When you have a bit of skin that
insulates another part of your body, you do have to pay attention to washing
underneath. Someone who lacks that
same bit wouldn’t think to do that.
He responded, “Curious, but have you EVER had trouble
washing YOUR genitals? It pisses me off that people talk about men like we're
slobs...”
Clearly this is an issue that means a lot to him and he’s a
little sensitive. At this point, I
should have told him that I wouldn’t continue the discussion until he calmed
down.
I responded, “Women are taught to wash there. In areas where
circumcision is common, men aren't taught that.” In a subsequent tweet I made it clear I was teasing him
and said, “Have dated way more men
than women who didn't consider hygiene important” (which is totally true,
though my over-all numbers are something like 10 men and 6 women, too small to be a
representative sample)
He responded, “Oh, for heaven's sake. Really? You think a
man needs to be told to wash his dick? You need to raise your standards,
darling.” And, “This screams of sexism. It's infuriating.”
Yes, actually I DO think people need to be taught to do
things. I distinctly remember
being taught to wash my genitals.
My mother is not at all comfortable talking about “sex stuff” but I
remember being in the tub while she told me that I had to “gently wash everywhere
that skin touches itself” and mimed washing behind the ears, under the arms,
between the toes and then spreading the labia. I particularly remember many women’s health resources
mentioning not to use soap, just rinse thoroughly.
In my decidedly unscientific study of boyfriends, close
friends and cohorts at school (we’re a very open bunch of people, human
sexuality students) most of the men could not remember having been told
specifically to wash their dicks in the “behind the ears” washing lesson. One man, who is from Europe, said that
he remembers learning it in a film they watched in school.
At this point, it was clear that my twitter partner was
getting too angry to continue the conversation in a rational manner, so I told
him I was only sharing anecdotal evidence and it was over until he calmed down.
To which he sullenly replied, “I gave you some anecdotal evidence right back.”
I was hurt and shocked. I’d spent valuable time discussing something that I think is
important with a stranger. He had
contacted my professional twitter and I graciously answered some very personal
questions (which I left out of this essay) for free, only to immediately get my
standards questioned and my head bitten off when I said something he didn’t
want to hear.
This is why people don’t have discussions any more. Why put yourself out when you’re going
to get spat upon? In retrospect, I shouldn’t have teased him, I should have
realized that he was too personally invested in the issue to have a sense of
humor about it. Also, with the
character limit, twitter is probably not the best place to have important
discussions that could benefit from explanations of over 140 characters.
While reflecting on this, my first thought was, “that never
would have happened in class”. We
have a document called, “Ground Rules and Norms”, which is similar to something
I learned when I took a public speaking class in undergrad. Right up there with learning how to
wash our genitals, we humans need to learn how to speak and listen. The ground rules provide a simple guide
that helps you really listen to your cohorts, identify when something hurts or
resonates with you and then be able to respond to the person in a constructive,
non-hurtful manner. I think that
these norms can be adapted to most all situations where people can speak with
each other, so I’m sharing them with you here. Perhaps they’ll help create some constructive conversations. Once you read over these, I’m sure you
can read back through the twitter conversation and identify areas in which both
I, and my speaking partner could have improved!
1.
“Radical
Inclusion” - Be open to multiple perspectives.
2.
Active
listening
a. Give the speaker eye contact.
b. Respond actively.
i. “…and then he did this” “Oh?” “Yes, I thought that it was […]” “No
kidding! Tell me more” “That was
all, really” “Thanks for sharing!”
ii. instead of, “…and then he did this” “mmhm” “Yes, I thought that it was […]” “mmhm”"...?"
c. Make sure you wait a few moments before
responding, so that you know the speaker is done speaking.
3.
Move
in/Move out; Leave space and time for everyone to participate. Sometimes you must go against your
natural inclination. Extroverts
move out and introverts move in
4.
“Don’t yuck
on someone else’s yum”
5.
Have
respect for others
a. Framing - Make time for
explanations. Let someone finish
or explain.
b. Use “I” messages/statements – Rather than
making general statements as if they are true/real for everyone; Taking
ownership of your own statements.
It may be true for you, but not others.
c. Ask questions if you don’t understand
someone.
d. It’s okay to disagree. The discussion may not reach a
consensus. You may have to end
with understanding and valuing that you disagree.
6.
Confidentiality
– We will want to share things outside of class room, but do not repeat
anything of a personal matter with identifying characteristics, such as name,
outside of class
7.
“One voice”
– Respect the person speaking at a time; No side conversations
8.
Respect your
own boundaries. Don’t share beyond
your level of comfort.
9.
“Ouch” – If
something is difficult or brings up difficult feelings, say “Ouch” and then you
have a choice to share or not share why that is. The other people in the group know that this is a sensitive
subject for you.
10.
Check in –
Share when someone says something that is offensive and/or upsetting to you
using “I” messages/statements. We
cannot always know how we are perceived by other people and helps to clear the
air
11.
When
someone says something that really resonates with you be respectful in how you
approach them about the subject later. Give them a choice to discuss it further
or not.
12.
Practice
respectful non-judgmental communication
13.
Assume good
intent. It may not “come off” in
the way the speaker intended.
Assume anything that may have sounded bad was well intentioned then ask
for clarification.
14.
“100%
responsibility” – Do your best to make this experience a
quality learning experience for everyone
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