"Ground Rules and Norms" in practice

In one of our classes we write daily journal entries.  I've been asked to share more of the writing I'm doing for class, and I think this one is a good place to start.  I've adapted it a little for public reading, since it was originally written for people inside my program to read.

I was having a discussion with someone on twitter recently about circumcision.  I’m decidedly anti-circumcision.  Regardless of your own personal feelings on it aesthetically and physically you must admit that it’s a surgery practiced on infants.  I don’t think that we should give anyone elective surgeries before they’re able to consent to them.  If the kid wants to cut his foreskin off later, let him decide.  Let’s not get into that whole debate, though.  I want to make a different point and share some different information.

I shared with this person that though my own feelings are different, attitudes in the United States seem to be pro-circumcision.  I gave some common reasons I hear for circumcision

“Only downsides to uncut is that you have to pay attention to washing under it and it MAY make it easier to get SOME STIs”

I only had 140 characters so I left out the two other most common reasons.  Religious tradition or, “so he’ll look like his father” (really? Do guys compare dicks w/their dads so often that this is an issue?).

I don’t think that what I said was that offensive.  When you have a bit of skin that insulates another part of your body, you do have to pay attention to washing underneath.  Someone who lacks that same bit wouldn’t think to do that.

He responded, “Curious, but have you EVER had trouble washing YOUR genitals? It pisses me off that people talk about men like we're slobs...”

Clearly this is an issue that means a lot to him and he’s a little sensitive.  At this point, I should have told him that I wouldn’t continue the discussion until he calmed down. 

I responded, “Women are taught to wash there. In areas where circumcision is common, men aren't taught that.”  In a subsequent tweet I made it clear I was teasing him and said, “Have dated way more men than women who didn't consider hygiene important” (which is totally true, though my over-all numbers are something like 10 men and 6 women, too small to be a representative sample)

He responded, “Oh, for heaven's sake. Really? You think a man needs to be told to wash his dick? You need to raise your standards, darling.” And, “This screams of sexism. It's infuriating.”

Yes, actually I DO think people need to be taught to do things.  I distinctly remember being taught to wash my genitals.  My mother is not at all comfortable talking about “sex stuff” but I remember being in the tub while she told me that I had to “gently wash everywhere that skin touches itself” and mimed washing behind the ears, under the arms, between the toes and then spreading the labia.  I particularly remember many women’s health resources mentioning not to use soap, just rinse thoroughly.

In my decidedly unscientific study of boyfriends, close friends and cohorts at school (we’re a very open bunch of people, human sexuality students) most of the men could not remember having been told specifically to wash their dicks in the “behind the ears” washing lesson.  One man, who is from Europe, said that he remembers learning it in a film they watched in school.

At this point, it was clear that my twitter partner was getting too angry to continue the conversation in a rational manner, so I told him I was only sharing anecdotal evidence and it was over until he calmed down. To which he sullenly replied, “I gave you some anecdotal evidence right back.”

I was hurt and shocked.  I’d spent valuable time discussing something that I think is important with a stranger.  He had contacted my professional twitter and I graciously answered some very personal questions (which I left out of this essay) for free, only to immediately get my standards questioned and my head bitten off when I said something he didn’t want to hear.

This is why people don’t have discussions any more.  Why put yourself out when you’re going to get spat upon? In retrospect, I shouldn’t have teased him, I should have realized that he was too personally invested in the issue to have a sense of humor about it.  Also, with the character limit, twitter is probably not the best place to have important discussions that could benefit from explanations of over 140 characters.

While reflecting on this, my first thought was, “that never would have happened in class”.  We have a document called, “Ground Rules and Norms”, which is similar to something I learned when I took a public speaking class in undergrad.  Right up there with learning how to wash our genitals, we humans need to learn how to speak and listen.  The ground rules provide a simple guide that helps you really listen to your cohorts, identify when something hurts or resonates with you and then be able to respond to the person in a constructive, non-hurtful manner.  I think that these norms can be adapted to most all situations where people can speak with each other, so I’m sharing them with you here.  Perhaps they’ll help create some constructive conversations.  Once you read over these, I’m sure you can read back through the twitter conversation and identify areas in which both I, and my speaking partner could have improved!

1.     “Radical Inclusion” - Be open to multiple perspectives.

2.     Active listening

a.     Give the speaker eye contact.

b.     Respond actively. 

                                               i.     “…and then he did this” “Oh?”  “Yes, I thought that it was […]” “No kidding!  Tell me more” “That was all, really”  “Thanks for sharing!”

                                             ii.     instead of, “…and then he did this” “mmhm”  “Yes, I thought that it was […]” “mmhm”"...?"

c.     Make sure you wait a few moments before responding, so that you know the speaker is done speaking.

3.     Move in/Move out; Leave space and time for everyone to participate.  Sometimes you must go against your natural inclination.  Extroverts move out and introverts move in

4.     “Don’t yuck on someone else’s yum”

5.     Have respect for others

a.     Framing - Make time for explanations.  Let someone finish or explain.

b.     Use “I” messages/statements – Rather than making general statements as if they are true/real for everyone; Taking ownership of your own statements.  It may be true for you, but not others.

c.     Ask questions if you don’t understand someone.

d.     It’s okay to disagree.  The discussion may not reach a consensus.  You may have to end with understanding and valuing that you disagree.

6.     Confidentiality – We will want to share things outside of class room, but do not repeat anything of a personal matter with identifying characteristics, such as name, outside of class

7.     “One voice” – Respect the person speaking at a time; No side conversations

8.     Respect your own boundaries.  Don’t share beyond your level of comfort.

9.     “Ouch” – If something is difficult or brings up difficult feelings, say “Ouch” and then you have a choice to share or not share why that is.  The other people in the group know that this is a sensitive subject for you.

10.  Check in – Share when someone says something that is offensive and/or upsetting to you using “I” messages/statements.  We cannot always know how we are perceived by other people and helps to clear the air

11.  When someone says something that really resonates with you be respectful in how you approach them about the subject later. Give them a choice to discuss it further or not.

12.  Practice respectful non-judgmental communication

13.  Assume good intent.  It may not “come off” in the way the speaker intended.  Assume anything that may have sounded bad was well intentioned then ask for clarification.

14.  “100% responsibility” – Do your best to make this experience a quality learning experience for everyone

Reasons for a professional name

I use pics from r/earthporn as filler images for test sites. This client loves the test image so much they'd like me to contact the original photographer and see if he'll sell them usage rights to the image.

"Oh sure!" I say, "I'm sure they'll be thrilled. Here, we can look it up right now."

We go to r/earthporn and I find the picture in minutes. The person's username is "TurdsMcpoopsalot*" My eyes widen. The bosses look at each other, wince, and look back at me.

"On second thought, we'll just go with the other stock image that you were telling us about."

Your username is seen by all sorts of people. Some whom you'd never even think of.

*I edited the username a little in an attempt to give ole' Turds some anonymity but, yes, that's essentially what it originally was.

A note for new models

You'll buy clear or nude shoes because some photographer will emphatically tell you that they're, "a modeling essential". You want to be professional, so this sounds serious. You'll cart them around everywhere but you'll never wear them. Eventually you'll leave them at home, where they'll gather dust in your closet. Only a short while after that you'll show up to a shoot where the photographer will assume that you have clear or nude shoes with you. He'll be upset and will seem personally disappointed in you that you don't have them. When you tell him that he should have told you to bring them if he'd wanted them that badly he'll stare at you agog.

"You're a professional model! You should always have them with you! They're a modeling essential!" he'll say in a way that's just as know-it-all and just as emphatic as the first guy was.